Getting real

I'm going to keep it real... I have been running an internal dialog for months of this post, and was constantly on the fence as to whether or not I should share it. So, I'm going to start off with all the "disclaimers" and "worst case" worries I have when I think about not sharing, and then conclude why I've decided to share.

I'm about to let my thoughts go on the tough things that we have going on right now. My thoughts, my feelings, what I've learned, what I'm working on, being in the present and thoughts for the future. It will be raw, and I also want to say that I'm not trying to come across as self-pitying or desperate or ungrateful. Because I am so grateful and so blessed, but it's been hard. We are not in the worst situation in the world, especially when I think about current world events. We are not destitute. We are healthy. We are blessed. I know all these things, so my disclaimer, before my thoughts run away with me, is that I know all of these things and I want to acknowledge that from the get go. I have put off this type of post for months and months because I didn't want to be a "debbie downer," or make it seem like I needed attention. But, what I'm realizing is that it's okay to acknowledge that this is a hard time in my life, it's hard for me, and that's okay.

Okay, suspense over. Our house in PA has been on the market almost a year. For someone so conscientious of numbers and finances, this has been so hard for me. I spent the months leading up to Henley's birth mildly worrying about it, but thinking that it would sell when I wasn't expecting it and that would probably be when Henley was born. Then we made a plan to move back if the house hadn't sold by the time Henley started day care in October. Then we struggled with that because I have a really great opportunity here career wise, and Brian has some really great opportunities here with CAT that he wouldn't have with all the union mess in PA. So we're making it work, but, we are tired of being paycheck to paycheck for the last few months.

The hard things: I love to give gifts, especially at Christmas time. I start thinking about gifts in July. Last year I made scarves for people, I make photo books for grandparents and aunts and uncles, I do Christmas cards, I make Halloween costumes for Juliana, etc, and I didn't do that this year. It was hard.
Brian's been working Saturday's to bring in some extra cash.
We rarely get to go on a date and check in because I can't prioritize the money spent on a babysitter.
We aren't saving anything for a rainy day, let alone contemplating buying a house again in the future.
It's been hard to embrace the opportunity at UNC when I feel such pressure to move onto a more permanent "job" versus the postdoctoral, almost internship, experience I'm in now.
We are tired. Tired of worrying, tired of having one foot in PA and one foot in NC. Tired of getting phone calls that the sump pump needs reset because the power went out, the bathrooms need cleaned, the grass needs mowed, the snow needs plowed, etc. Although we've had lots of help from Brian's family up there, they aren't very close to the house so I feel bad asking for someone to make a special trip to check on one of these mundane things.
I'm sick when I think about all of the behind the scenes things we did to make that house safe and functional because we're not going to get it back out. I may not vote to buy a house again because of that.
Friend's are getting married and having babies and right now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to go to those events or send gifts. I know these friend's understand, but it's hard for me to accept.

The good things: The apartment is small and we have to get out of the house on the weekends so we go weekly to the library and Juliana has now developed a passion for books. We've read almost all of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle series (chapter books), she's almost done with Charlotte's Web, we've read A Cricket In Times Square, and Mr. Poppers Penguins. This is in addition to books about Disney princesses, Dora the Explorer, and whatever else she picks.
I started seeing a therapist on campus and it has helped me immensely cope with the stresses of the unknowns with the house and the future of "career", and learn how to be in the present.
Brian and I are communicating more than we have since before kids because we're problem solving and constantly discussing our situation.
I have been lightening the load at the apartment in anticipation of a move when our lease is up in June- either to a new place around here or somewhere else entirely.
I've been identifying things that I can do to relieve stress, and finding what fulfills me with my job and with life in general.
We have been eating better: most meals at home, home cooked, less red-meat, less desserts and sweets.
I spent a week at Mom and Dad's for Thanksgiving and 2 weeks at Christmas to cut down on day care costs- never would've thought I'd have that kind of time to visit or go on vacation when I realized in graduate school that I didn't have spring break off.
By opening up about our situation, friends and family have continued to lift me and our family up, which makes me feel so loved.
My boss helped me submit a grant to the NIH which if I get it would raise my salary a little bit. In addition, he has helped me make contacts so I can teach a class this spring semester (which pays a little bit extra as well). Both of these things (the grant and teaching) will also look great on my CV and help me decide what I enjoy doing and want to do in a future career.
I've read more books as a way to "get away" and have some "me" time.

I think the most surprising thing about this part of "LIFE" is that I imagined life would be a linear, upward trend. As in, we got married, I was on my minimal grad school stipend, Brian was getting raises each year, we lived in a townhouse. Then we bought a house which was going to be an investment we would get our money plus some out of later (at this point, we're going to break even), we were stretched a little bit when Juliana was born and went to day care, but then I got this postdoctoral opportunity. And Henley was going to fit into that increase in salary, so that in a few years when I moved onto "the job" or career or whatever is next, we would be set and capable of financially planning for building a future house, sending the girl's to college, etc. But, it hasn't been like that. Although I so desperately want for the house to sell, at the end of 2015 reflecting back, and looking forward to 2016- my relationships have deepened because of this experience. I have learned so much about real estate, houses, jobs, community, etc, and I would not have gotten that had we not been in this stressful situation.

So, please send up a prayer. Not necessarily for the house to sell, although that would be awesome, but that we all continue to be in the present, in the moment. We recognize the wealth in the relationships and not the "things," and that we can continue to communicate this to our girls. That when it becomes overwhelming, that we remember this is temporary. Things WILL change, and we don't have to know how they will change, but that they will. Life is a gift, even when it is stressful and overwhelming. And that it's okay to feel like things are hard sometimes...

One of these days I'll get pictures off of my phone and posted here. Girls are great though :)