Leaning In

I met with my Moms book club last night to discuss "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg. As I anticipated, the fellow moms (all stay-at-home) didn't get as much out of it as I had, but we still had an interesting discussion about it. I will be attending the Women Engineering Society at Pitt's book club next Monday to discuss the same book, and I'm interested to see how that discussion will be different. Especially because I assume the demographic will be much different (I was, by far, the youngest one from the 6 of us meeting last night, whereas I anticipate next week I will be one of the oldest and probably only one of the few with a child). I thought I would take some time to touch on some points/themes from the book, and offer my perspective and experiences on "having it all" and "leaning in."

One of the biggest points Ms. Sandberg discusses is that women have a tendency to make career choices based on anticipating family in the future, and these choices result in "leaning back." I also briefly discussed this idea with my adviser and he was saying how he sees it in the undergraduates. They begin college with ambition and drive and sometime between freshman year and graduation, many students (I'm going to assume mostly women, but I could see how men might make similar choices) scale back these ambitions, not seeing how ambition with career will allow them "have it all" with career and family.

I have "leaned back" plenty of times. But mostly, at times where I'm anticipating a future event that is still so far in the future it's uncertain, and unrealistic to consider. For example, when I graduated high school, I wanted to be an astronaut. I was so proud when my high school science teachers would introduce me to others and say that I was going to be the first woman on Mars. I felt so proud. When I decided in the spring of senior year that I wanted to major in music (in addition to physics, because why couldn't I be a musician, astronaut?), I pursued that audition with vigor, and earned a place in JMU's piano department. As I went through my freshman semester immersed in calculus, and music classes, I struggled with decisions of the future. I loved the calculus, I excelled at it. I had a professor who praised me, who pushed me, who encouraged me to consider a major in mathematics (I had already decided on a minor in mathematics because I wanted to take Advanced Calculus, and all the pre-reqs would achieve a minor anyway). Music, on the other hand, was an extremely competitive world. My concentration was music performance versus pedagogy, and I chose it partly because of the rigor and the prestige associated with it. I was not top-of-the-top in the music department though. I remember struggling with the decision to drop music and switch to a math major. I told my dad that I wanted the option of teaching piano and staying home with children (let's just ignore the astronaut piece for a moment). He told me that I didn't need to major in music to make that happen. So, I had the option to stay with music and "lean back" with a future career (at least for me, I saw it as leaning back), or I could choose to go in a direction of something that I excelled at, that I was thrilled by, and offered the "prestige" that I have always enjoyed.

Sophomore year of college, I started fencing on our NCAA team. Something about the stresses of that type of activity after a year of basically inactivity, resulted in a slipped spinal disk in my back. I despaired and "realized" that being an astronaut wasn't going to happen. Realistically, I believe I had already made the decision that astronaut wasn't in my future, but used this "injury" (which is completely healed and gone, by the way) as the excuse to make it ok to no longer pursue astronaut with every fiber of my being. I had begun to realize that if I were to follow the traditional path to being an astronaut, I would go to graduate school after graduating college, then 6 years to get an astrophysics degree, I would be 27, and then depending on the year when you could apply for the astronaut academy (at the time I was projecting my future it was every other year when they would accept applications), I believe I would've been 29, then a couple of years for training, I'd be in my early thirties if I earned a spot to fly into space. And if, hypothetically speaking, I were to be the first female on Mars, it would be a year long trip to get there, a year to stay there (why fly someplace for a year only to stay for a day), and a year to come back. I knew that to not run into infertility issues, these would be the prime years of my life to start a family. Let alone the fact of being away from my family for a few years? Or the effect radiation might have on my ability to have kids? Would I truly be able to be an astronaut, apply myself 100%, and turn down an opportunity like this? I knew I didn't want to put myself in the situation of having to make a choice between career and family, so I changed my perspective on the future.

Junior year, I vividly remember a conversation with a friend, who eventually became my best friend. She was also a math major, definitely exceeded me in the book smarts department, but we worked very well together and challenged each other in ways that let us exceed and pretty much take over the math department. She asked me what I wanted to "do". I told her I wanted to be a stay at home mom. She was shocked. And I remember her telling me she was dumbfounded at that response. Why, if I was going to be a stay at home mom, would I apply myself and excel at school so much? Honestly? I loved the challenge that math offered. And I loved being good at it. I was still convinced that I would teach piano, and raise my kids. I honestly don't know why this was my "dream," especially because my mother is the optimal role model for working mom and having it all (although she won't say that if you ask her, I'm sure). It's not like my childhood was lacking in anything because my mom wasn't stay at home, I just found something "romantic" about the notion of traditional male/female roles I guess.

Senior year, I had gotten involved in a mathematics research project and had very carefully observed the female faculty members of the math department as they balanced children, births, careers, teaching, etc. I knew that there was more math that I wanted to learn, and the flexibility of time and resources as faculty at a small university was very appealing as I considered a future with family and career. There wasn't a guy in the picture yet, so I knew that to some extent I had to be self sufficient until that event happened for me. So, I applied to graduate schools to continue my study of mathematics. Driven by the idea of a long-term, stable, and relatively flexible career, that would make additional challenges of balancing family life relatively simple (compared to other choices). So in this instance, I think I "leaned in" to my career.

My first year of graduate school in math was horrible. I had met Brian and we were "official" by this time, so I knew there was a future to begin planning with him. I seriously considered "leaning back" when I decided to leave after a year with a masters in mathematics. I was interviewing and actively searching for jobs teaching mathematics at the high school level. What bothered me at every interview, was the feeling that I wasn't living up to my potential somehow. Please don't interpret that as a knock on teachers, I believe there's a special place in heaven for teachers, but personally, the idea of teaching high school made me feel as if I was giving up on myself somehow. At Pitt, there was a professor, who actually was the one who recruited me, and the only one that I could talk to candidly.He said with my interest in research, maybe I should consider engineering programs. His encouragement and belief in my abilities was what changed my course to "lean back in" to my career, and choose to purse a PhD in Bioengineering.

As I pursued my degree, married Brian, started thinking about family, life after school, etc, Brian and I had many candid conversations about what "life with kids" and "life after school" would look like. He always made it abundantly clear to me that he would follow me wherever my life and career would head. I couldn't have verbalized that this was a deal breaker trait that I always looked for in a date, but I know that now. I have always wanted to make a marriage and family work, even when sacrifices have to be made by a partner, but being so young and just starting out, I want to give my career a chance. Especially because in the beginning, with the pursuit of becoming faculty, I wouldn't have a choice of location, and most likely wouldn't have a choice of university either (it's extremely competitive).

We always talked about wanting kids, I've spent countless hours agonizing over when to start our family, and spent countless hours on when to expand our family. Ultimately, the decision to have Juliana was a personal one. I made it completely disconnected and separate from graduate school. I reached a point in school when I realized I couldn't push graduation date closer, I needed to "relax" for the ride, learn what I could learn, but not kill myself trying to get things done. I enjoyed what I was learning, so for the most part, enjoyed going to school everyday. I talked with my adviser about having kids, and he basically told me that it would be difficult, but he would support me in anyway he could. I researched the finances of having a child (especially with day care expenses), because I knew that birth could have a cost associated with it, and I knew my salary as a student would stay the same. But I also had many conversations with Brian about how I anticipated I would require his help in order to balance a child and school. I would need him to have a little bit more work flexibility. Mostly, I would need him to become aware of the time, so it wouldn't be 9pm before he got home. I also figured that graduate school was the perfect time to have a kid. Obviously, it would be hard to balance, but having a kid is hard to balance no matter where you or or what stage of life you're at. My adviser is extremely understanding, and in graduate school, I have flexibility that I anticipate I will never have again. I was on a project that required some experimentation (so set specific hours of being in the lab), but most of what I need to do is on a computer which I can do anywhere. Plus, there's no set maternity leave at Pitt for graduate students. So, I told my adviser that I was taking roughly 4 months off for maternity leave (during which I still received my salary), I would return on a part time basis (3 days a week) until Juliana was a year (because then day care costs go down a little bit), and then I would return to full time. He said okay, but I'm sure he was hesitant and wondered what he was taking on.

I officially stopped going into school on Juliana's due date. Circumstances that occurred at that time (Brian's grandfather passed away, and he was home with bereavement days so we took lots of opportunities to be just the two of us before we became the three of us) dictated my leave more than a conscious decision on my part. I would've kept pushing at school to get things done, but I had post-docs and graduate students who took over some of my responsibilities and told me to go home and rest. I started leave with the beginning of a paper to write with my adviser and a booked flight to speak at a conference in CA in August.

When Juliana was 6 weeks old, I commented that I couldn't imagine going back to work at that point (most common amount of paid maternity leave in the work place and the youngest age that our day care would accept babies). Around this time, I started emailing my adviser and was working on the paper. I remember calling my mom and complaining that I hadn't heard back from him and I was stressing myself out because I was trying to get stuff done but he wasn't communicating with me. She suggested that maybe he was "enforcing" my leave by not answering my emails.

When Juliana was 10 weeks old, I was ready to go back to school. I was so bored, and exhausted being at home. I couldn't plan outings because she was nursing every 2 hours, and then she would sleep, so I could never plan a trip at an appropriate time. It took so much energy to try and make it to a Moms Club meeting, and I felt so disconnected from these women who made the choice to be stay at home. I wanted to talk to them about why they made that choice, purely out of curiosity, but I felt that they would judge me for needing to be back at school in a few more weeks. But even though I was ready for adult interaction (and someone else to deal with the 4 pm cry sessions she had almost everyday), I was absolutely terrified about day care. I held Juliana pretty much all day. With 10 babies and 2-3 teachers, there's no way they'd be able to do that for her! Would she develop poor sleep habits sleeping in a room with the lights on, music playing and other kids screaming? I didn't cry when I dropped her off at day care on the first day. And I don't think there's been a day I've cried since. There've been days I've been nervous if they're going to call and say she has a fever and needs to be picked up, or if when I pick her up at the end of the day they'll say she's been crabby and I'll feel guilty for taking her when all she probably wanted was to stay home. But she's thrived at day care. She's learned so much. She loved it so much, that she went 3 days a week from August to November, 4 days a week from November to December, and full time starting in January. Not at all what I anticipated her schedule to be like, but it's been on her terms. There are times when I'm home to get stuff done during the week and she still goes to school. Honestly, I think sometimes on the weekends she gets bored with just me.

Regardless, my time at school was still difficult trying to balance school work with 30 minute pumping sessions every 2 hours. Thankfully, I never had anyone say I wasn't being as productive or anything like that. I was getting stuff done, and I'm so thankful to have been in graduate school while making the adjustment to a child and getting a taste of what working and family balance would be like for me. It definitely made a difference when she started sleeping all night at 15 months, and I'm hopeful that if she has any siblings they decide to be better sleepers... But regardless, I did what I needed to do. Sometimes I wasn't prepared for a meeting with my adviser, other times I had been super productive. I still view family and school as two distinct things. I don't spend all my time talking about my daughter when I'm at school, I spend that time to be as productive as possible because I know that once I get home, my time will be focused on her.

One of the things I learned about myself though was that if I didn't have school and I hadn't definitely made up my mind to return to school at some point in time after maternity leave, I doubt I would have. It's hard and scary to separate yourself from someone who is so dependent on you for every single little thing (especially if you're breastfeeding). It's liberating when you finally do, but it's hard to imagine that someone else can consider all the little behavioral things that you've observed and learned from day one. Before she was born, Brian and I discussed how when I finally graduated and finished, I would need some down time to "come off the cliff" as I like to put it, to consider if I wanted to pursue a career or just stay home with Juliana. I fully anticipated that I'd finish this degree and then stay home. However, the closer I get to that climax point, the more I realize that I want a career after this. And I don't want a stay at home career.

One of the things I realized when I was reading "Lean In" talked about how women make choices to sacrifice in their career so they can have flexibility for taking care of their kids, is that I was considering making the same sorts of sacrifices for the same reasons. Currently, Brian is the primary breadwinner. So when day care calls and says that Juliana is sick and needs to be picked up, I need to be the one who leaves work and picks her up. It's not that Brian couldn't do it (because yes, we've talked about it), but it makes more financial sense for him to finish up his working day, and I will pick Juliana up. If I'm pursing a career that demands more of my time, then maybe I can't make sacrifices like leaving early to pick up a sick child and stay home with them the next day because they can't return until they've been fever free for 24 hours. So, when thinking about the "type of job" I wanted, flexibility was one of the key things I was considering. But what I was forgetting about was what the job would be all about. I was attracted to mathematics because it fascinated me and I was absolutely thrilled when I understood how to solve a problem. I was attracted to bioengineering because I could be applying mathematics in a meaningful way to make a difference in how we approach research, and understand diseases and birth defects. And I now know that I will only be happy with a career where I am able to apply my unique skill set, learn something, and make a difference.

So how do I balance a perceived inflexibility of time and pursuit of a career? I don't know exactly, but I have a couple of very good ideas. First, when I receive an offer from a job that I'm truly interested in, I will attempt to negotiate. I will consider length of paid maternity leave, number of vacation days, and hours to be at the job. If I will be unable to pick Juliana up from day care because my work requires me to work after the closing hours of day care, I will first see if Brian will sacrifice some of his work hours to pick her up, or I will make sure that my salary will cover the cost of a "nanny" to care for Juliana until I get home. Second, I will consider Brian's job choice. I anticipate that my career will move me into the position of being the primary breadwinner, which could allow him, for the first time in his life, to pursue other interests without financial restrictions. Perhaps he'll be a stay at home dad.

Ultimately, I don't know how it will work out, but I will work it out. My brief venture as a stay at home mom, although extremely busy, was not personally fulfilling to me unlike what I anticipate my career choices to be. I will "lean in" to my career and my choices by being candid and honest about what I need. I will do my best to ask to rectify a difficult or awful situation, instead of privately stewing and building resentment. And I will do my best to remember that being fulfilled and finding a balance that works for me will allow me to be successful in all aspects of my life (career, family, etc).

In discussing the book with the ladies last night, I realized that I need to work more on my perception of other women. One of the women found offense with a statistic in the book that said children raised in day care and children raised by stay at home moms were essentially the same in terms of their wellbeing. She felt that the perspective of what being stay at home offers to children and society was left out completely. I agree that it was, but Ms. Sandberg cannot offer anything to that perspective since she didn't stay at home with her children. But off-handed comments like that, although I know she didn't mean it in any malicious or offensive way, bothered me and made me start questioning my choice to put Juliana into day care.

It was also suggested that perhaps society needs to recognize that being a stay at home mom is a career path, even though there's no monetary measurement of the amount of work put into raising a child(ren). One observation I made, was that these highly educated women, kept saying they chose to be stay at home, but they also talked about how they were in the work force and carefully observed other women around them and how these women were leaving because maternity leaves were too short, or there was no workplace flexibility. I couldn't help but wonder if the maternity leaves were longer and there was flexibility in the hours, would these women have made a different choice?

I also think it's interesting how society "pushes" girls to studying math, science, and engineering. That's who I am. I am successful in the subject because I've had amazing teachers and mentors who have encouraged me, who have praised me, and who I've impressed. I love the fact that I am "a woman in mathematics and engineering." I feel like a desired candidate. I feel accomplished. I feel successful. And yet, at the same time, it seems that the more accomplished and successful I become, the more I'm forced to make sacrifices for achieving the balance of career and family. It raises that question, "Will I encourage my daughter to purse the sciences?" Initially, I've said no. I'll encourage her interests, but I won't overtly pusher her into science, math, and engineering because I feel that we need more women in these areas. But now I'm starting to rethink my answer. It is a difficult path, no doubt about it, and women face different challenges than men, but I'm hoping that the choices I make moving forward will encourage changes in the workplace and make Juliana's choice be about what she wants to study versus what family/career balance she'll have with her subject choice.

I've realized that I'm setting an example to so many people. I was the first female graduate student of my adviser's to get pregnant. I set the standard of precedent. I did not take the Marissa Meyer approach and say I'm taking 2 weeks of maternity leave and meanwhile I'll also continue working from home, but maybe that's all she needed/wanted. I also had other professors who did not have pregnant female graduate students observing how my adviser and I handled the "situation." I set an example for other female coworkers who are struggling with decisions about starting a family. I set an example for other female grad students who aren't anywhere close to starting a family, but are making observations about how I balance school and family.

As I move forward with my career choices, I hope to demonstrate to these women (and men) that career sacrifices don't have to be made in order to have a family. At the same time, if I were to turn down a promotion because it wouldn't allow enough time for my family, I would definitely worry about what the rest of the world thought about me. Was I giving up? I realize that I do this to other women who have chosen to stay at home. When the topic of conversation finally turns from what new thing little Johnny is doing to what they did before they stayed home and had kids, I wonder why they stopped working. I wonder why they "gave up" on their education. I don't fully understand their choices. I feel that I would be judged for sacrificing my career, meanwhile there are plenty of women who are judging me for sacrificing my home life. And this is where the "Mommy Wars" come about... On the one hand, I know that personally, a career is my direction (for now). It is where I feel most fulfilled and feel like I can make the biggest difference. I have complete respect for stay at home moms. It is some of the most difficult work I've ever experienced. On the other hand, I feel that stay at home moms don't have any clue about the struggles I face "balancing it all", nor do they care to know, thinking that when I share I am judging them and their choices. Likewise, I'm sure they feel that I don't recognize or care about all the hard work they're doing by volunteering or just raising their kids and how this impacts society and by extension me.

My challenge is going to be finding personal fulfillment and realizing that I don't need others to marvel at me and my achievements in order to justify them. I also challenge myself as I more forward and mentor more women to set an example of how I make it all work for me, and encourage and support them in any capacity they need in order to make it work for them. I also challenge myself to not feel disappointed if I am mentoring a woman and she decides to leave the work force in order to pursue a family. I will do my best to continue to keep her in mind if one day she decides to come back. I am also challenging myself to consider that not everyone judges others, and most people are so self absorbed that they don't even have time to consider the choices I'm making and pass judgement on them. I also challenge myself to realize that my daughter may make the choice to stay at home, and I will try to do my best when raising her to realize that as long as she's happy, I will support her decisions (even though I might not always agree with them).